For the days when the ADHD wins
They told me all of my cages were mental, So I got wasted like all my potential
I love being neuro-divergent. I think it’s fun, exciting, normal, and quite frankly I don’t know anything else. I’ve lived my thirty years with various degrees of functionality and medication, and as cheesy as it sounds, I’m obsessed with my creativity, multi-tasking abilities, and constantly picking up new crafty hobbies. (This month: at-home Russian manicures. Stay tuned!)
I think it’s great that openly sharing and discussing mental health diagnoses and various learning disabilities publicly is trendy! The dark side of ADHD is often the shame spirals and internal monologues reminding us of all the ways we fall short and let people down. Just as the inside of my mind is a colorful and exciting place to be, it is also a frustrating, inescapable reality. You think having 35 books on my “currently reading” GoodReads shelf is fun?????
I've been having a hard time adjusting
I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting
-“this is me trying” by Taylor Swift
People have many takes on the public conversations around Attention Deficit Disorder, but I think it’s an unquestionably positive phenomenon that people are finding community and feeling validated in their lived experiences. More people talking about the details of executive function and sharing their stories about living with ADHD combats the internal shame spirals we are all guilty of.
You won’t catch me complaining about “neuro-typicals” co-opting diagnoses, or lamenting that “back in my day you just had to buck up” or condescending to younger generations.
This is reminiscent of the body positivity movement for me. Growing up as a fat girl in America, (segue brought to you by ADHD) it was so empowering to see influencers and brands embrace “body positivity” in their efforts for a more inclusive world. Divorcing beauty from size was an earth shattering perspective shift for me, and I will be forever grateful for the “brave” women and men who lived freely in their bodies in the public eye. My senior year of college was the first time I heard criticism for the body positivity movement from an unexpected source. These badass, feminist women with whom I’d started making short films, were of the opinion that “body positivity” sets unrealistic expectations and pressure on our relationships with our bodies, and that most days “body acceptance” should be the goal. Years later, upon reflection, I agree that body acceptance should be the goal, but I do believe that body positivity is necessary to negate the body negativity fed to us from birth, before we find the equilibrium of acceptance.
I want you to know
I'm a mirrorball
I'll show you every version of yourself tonight
I'll get you out on the floor
Shimmering beautiful
And when I break it's in a million pieces
-“mirrorball” by Taylor Swift
I’m hopeful that the cultural conversation around neuro-divergence is expanding to neuro-divergence-acceptance, because while I firmly believe that my ADHD is a superpower, I also think some days it really sucks. It is so exhausting to live in my mind, and frustrating when it feels like my brain is sabotaging my every step and I can’t do anything right.
“I love [ADHD] too man; it makes me good at my job. I thrive when someone’s life is on the line. I love being able to multitask. And truthfully I think ADHD is a super power. It’s just exhausting trying to harness it when it’s doing its own thing.” -Liz (friend of the stack)
I had one of those days recently (which unfortunately turned into one of those weeks) and it was really rotten. It was the first time in a long time I hated my neuro-divergence and was angry that my brain couldn’t just “be normal for five fucking minutes.” While it’s not an exciting prospect, I do hope that one day my extreme relationships with ADHD (and my “touch of the ‘tism”) can balance each other out and I’ll be able to treat myself with more grace.
It was the first time in a long time I hated my neuro-divergence and was angry that my brain couldn’t just “be normal for five fucking minutes.”
It’s taken decades of work, but now when I see my body in a particularly unflattering angle, I’m able to accept it and move on without fat-shaming myself. One day I hope to be able to take a stumble in the executive function Olympics and dust myself off and keep going, no extra pep-in my step required.
And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound
-“this is me trying” by Taylor Swift
In Miranda July’s novel All Fours, she “open-sources” the women in her life to learn about perimenopause and menopause. Having just read this novel and remembering how much learning from other’s experiences helped her cope with her bodily functions out of her control, I tried to take a page out of her book and reached out to some of my neuro-divergent friends for advice.
I'm still on that tightrope still trying everything to get you laughing at me... I've never been a natural all I do is try, try, try
-“mirrorball” by Taylor Swift
Here are some of the tips I received that helped me get through my funk, and I was hope they can help others too:
Hot shower & if you have the energy, do a self tanner routine!
When I couldn’t even bring myself to eat the meals I’d ordered for delivery this week, I exfoliated and did self tanner, and this week already feels better. If you can’t tone it, tan it! Also when I can’t glow from the inside out, let’s try outside-in!
I also gave myself grace. There are SEVERAL steps in my ideal self-tan experience, but this was a survival tan. Didn’t shave your legs first? It’s fine! Tan anyway! Too many steps when your ADHD is winning, defeats the purpose!
I have also been taking great care of my nails!!! Don’t need another visual manifestation of the mess that is my mind right now (my apartment’s got that covered).
My friend said she walks, and walks and walks and walks and listens to music/podcasts. “Listening to something weirdly helps me get other shit done. (I think those things alone help me feel accomplished even if I got jack shit else done during the day)”
Usually I turn to folklore or a historical romance audiobook, but this month’s it’s been The Barbie Soundtrack, Maren Morris’s new album Dreamsicle, and Las Culturistas
Sleep!
My therapist said that neuro-divergent people often need to stimulate multiple senses at once to feel relief (ie hot shower and a lavender candle, etc)
This inspired me to finally use a lavender shower bomb Belinda gave me for galentine’s day, and I’ll be ordering more stat!
To-Do Lists are are best friends if we want any semblance of productivity
Do you have any tips for finding your way back to equilibrium after an ADHD sabotage?
Patiently waiting under my weighted blanket for your sage advise
Hyper-fixation du jour: Greek Citizenship
It’s happening baby! (Well like it’s a possibility and I’m starting the process!) If you’re a Sampanes reading this and interested in applying for Greek citizenship call me!!! Going to get a “group order” going!
