One year of bookish ramblings...

Way to go tiger. Higher and higher. Wilder and lighter. You have no room in your dreams for regrets.

A year ago I had this brilliant idea to start a blog where I talk about books. I didn’t know anything about blogs. I’ve never read or followed blogs. My mom had wanted me to start one when I studied abroad in 2016. My brother suggested I start a Substack to talk about film and tv recommendations as early as 2019. But my officially-undiagnosed-dyslexic, ADHD, slow-reading a$$ had no interest. Besides, what did I have to say that was worth adding to the internet that’s already teeming with under-qualified and over-reaching opinions?

Then one morning while was riding the G to work I had this realization with regards to why historical romance novels appeal to women through the ages, and what makes them timeless and keeps them relatable across centuries. For the first time in forever, I felt compelled to write an essay? I thought it would be so fun to write a college-style essay reasoning my hypothesis. And thus Peed’s Reads was born.

As evidenced by that first sentence preview, I was suffering major imposter syndrome. I remember being so scared about being wrong or irrelevant. But if I’m being honest… I had a lot of fun writing it. Then came the positive feedback from my friends and family. Of course everyone was super flattering and kind (especially since back then I didn’t know how to go back and edit published posts - and fun fact: I never proof-read because adhd/dyslexic/slow-reader) so those early posts were filled with typos and errors.

My dear friend Will$ said something along the lines of, “I don’t mean for this to sound rude, but it was much more… intelligent? than I was expecting.” Or something along those lines. And the former people-pleasing, gifted student inside me lit up at the praise. I was tickled for my adult friends who only know me as the charmingly-forgetful, perpetually-messy, consistently-tardy, and indefinitely-un(der)-employed girlie to see me through a slightly-intellectual, purposefully-unserious lens.

My self-consciousness shifted from worrying that people would perceive me as “cringe” or immaterial, and instead shifted to thinking of this as “on brand” for me. And then my family and friends had to be so stupidly-annoyingly supportive by becoming paid subscribers and just like that I was accountable for putting out content. Talk about imposter-syndrome. Having people put in their credit card information for this willy-nilly idea I had because I was listening to a romance novel on a subway in the twenty-first century and wanted to write a freshman seminar style essay about it… geeze louise.

I genuinely want to thank all of my paid subscribers from the bottom of my heart. Without their faith in me (before I’d published anything), I doubt I’d have maintained a posting schedule and created the habit I have now.

Yiayia (Eileen Sampanes), Papouli (John Sampanes), Thea Donna Sampanes, Kayleigh Sampanes, Mom (Marina Sampanes Peed), Blake McCauley, and Nouna & Nouno (Kabee & Dennis Kokenes), thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your support specifically is why I stuck with this and why I now have one of the pride’s of my adult life.

All it would have taken was one lul (like last August) and I would have fallen off the wagon discouraged. But my accountabilabuddies kept me honest. And I just started writing again. And I am proud to say, now, exactly one year after I started this endeavor, I have published 52 pieces! That’s about one-per-week. I never would have thought I could achieve that.

I’ve felt fulfilled by having a reason to put my meandering thoughts into writing. Honestly I’ve treated this space as a public journal. In the last few years I’ve found I can become hyper-focused to the point of annoyance when meeting new people by discussing books. It’s just an easy way to relate with strangers and something I genuinely enjoy discussing.

Now when I have a thought or passionate opinion that I would love to discuss or debate with a like-minded bibliophile, I have an outlet for that excitement. I’ve stopped worrying about “why would anyone care,” and started thinking “I’d love to have this conversation with someone so maybe the someone that would love to have this conversation with me will find this.”

I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense, but it doesn’t have to. I try not to overthink it. Since I started Peed’s Reads 12 months ago, I’ve had 3 (entry-level) jobs, 2 daunting periods of indefinite unemployment, 5 first dates, been to south Florida 4 freaking times, finished my first script in 8 years, lost 25 pounds, and read 142 books. You’ve been with me through it all. The structure from a weekly cadence of posting on here has helped me through the ups and downs of the last year.

I still can’t believe anyone reads this. Whenever I get a message from Shubangi or Rachel about a recent post I have to pinch myself. Will and Alexander are almost as invested as I am in the struggle that has been 10:20 am releases (Substack what’s with the 10:21 on Wednesdays?). I don’t know why y’all read my nonsense, or how long it’ll keep your interests, but I’m touched you care to spend a few minutes every week with my off-the-rails stream of consciousness. Colette and Ben… I love you! (OMG! When Belinda casually mentions something from these… I die inside.)

Okay now’s the point where I wish I still outlined because the rest of my points escape me and I fear this will drag 5eva if I ramble until I remember. So I’m cutting myself off. But I love you all so much and am so proud of this project. Thank you. Let’s see if we can have 121 posts by this time next year!

tl;dr: I have the bestest friends and family in the world. thank you!

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Hyper-fixation du jour: ballet

Y’all. I’ve started taking an adult ballet class every week and it’s the best thing ever! (I am bummed because I’m skipping tonight.) It’s such a positive environment and escape for my mind and mental health. It takes me back to high school, some of my most stressful years, and how for 6 hours a week, when I was in the studio, only one thing mattered. It’s such a beautiful way to be in your body and to let go of worldly anxieties.

Not only am I rusty af, but I realized this class is heavy on the Balanchine method, and unbeknownst to me, Duluth School of Ballet was more Vaganova or European centered. So many of the movements and combinations feel like physical gibberish to me, but it’s another layer to keep me in the movement. It’s also more liberating.

Anyway, I’ve gone down a massive rabbit hole vis a vis Ballet Methodologies and it’s been super fascinating.

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